逝水年華

今年的最後一天了。

長大之後，第一次感到無比的想家。十五歲剛剛被外放住宿念高中，那時覺得這是一種恩賜，我有零用錢，沒有跟父母親住在一起，我可以決定今晚要吃什麼，但是我也必須要自己洗內褲(遙想當年LISA會用熨斗幫我把內褲都燙平，公主般的待遇不復啊)。今年二十五歲，經歷過外放台中市三年、台北市五年，加上自己的吉普賽生活從十九歲開始走跳世界，現在我走到哪裡都想家。

好像好玩的已經玩完了，當然還有很多事情還沒有玩夠/過，但我今年年底所有的耐心、精氣、心思全部被工作吞食去了。我愛這份工作，很大的原因是我有一個番癲識才的老闆，加上這工作給我的機動性，我很開心自己完全投入這個職位。但是我也沒有心思去想我的博士學位，當工作的ㄧ切細節都是快速發生，臨場反應跟立即應對，我有困難把自己投回那個需要慢慢磨的研究計畫，再說，大家都說我念的博士學位很酷，其實不然，因為我一開始也覺得超酷，但當我往下挖，往內往外挖，才知道我把自己丟到一個很深的學海，然後自己只會游抬頭蛙。

我連出門去交際都懶，我的朋友們也到了一定的歲數，一半的人因為工作或生活佔掉太多力氣，所以也不會去交際了；另一半的人則是因為不得志，反而對生活感到生厭無趣。哪一種比較悲哀？我也說不出來。我雖然有抱怨，但是我想今年的成績單是不錯的。我念完一個碩士學位，我把以前壞老闆電慘，我開始跟對的人工作，我很傻的開始念博士學位。以前小時後，被五萬個老師家人們說教，總是說，讀書好、快去念最好的學校、念到沒有學位可以念為止。我身為叛逆期的少女一是驕傲，妳們都沒念到我念的好學校憑什麼跟我說教？另一是家人們從來沒有給我一個滿意的解釋，為什麼我要念這麼多書考這麼多試？現下我懂了，當然還是靠自己摸索出來的，我以後生女兒也要給她念很多書，外加學很多語言，但是我會讓她知道，讀那麼多死書到底是為什麼？上學的真諦到底在那裡？這樣她就不會在明星女高校一直翹課去看電影，上大學時一心等放假出國去流浪，真的到國外念書時卻開始搞做生意。

我想生到怪女兒是一種意外吧。我可能自我感覺過度良好，使我一心想在未來也搞一個我自己的小人版，當然，遵循我母親的家族慣例，含納相異的文化與族群，與希特勒相反，我要混最遠的血統，單一性是我這輩子最討東西，boring。二十五歲是一個奇怪的年紀，好像有點老了但卻還是年輕，我不能再隨便不負責任(雖然我一直都是負責任模範生)，但我已經感受到年紀的重力，它把我拉向一個更踏實的核心，該玩得差不多都玩了，能搞砸的也都搞砸過了，我與生俱來的第一名優越感跟得失心讓我步上今天的位置，我早知道我已經不在活在安全網裡面，很多時候我努力付出，不會修成正果，人生常常是很大的玩笑，有時還會讓我笑不出來。但是哭一哭，我還有打不死的樂觀精神，雖然是唱戲般的叫苦連天，但我其實只是想要跟人撒嬌。這是一輩子不能戒除的惡習，我好喜歡當一個drama queen，born a drama queen。

我沒什麼感謝辭或是大願望，我只希望我有一點好運，我付出的會有回收，這樣下一年，才可以開始揮霍，揮霍金錢、揮霍情感、揮霍人生。

Si, Mi Amor.

毛毛。真正叫她作毛的原因是她是Amor，不是因為她長了很多毛。

從大學同班四年到畢業還合租公寓一年，我想我們真正開始很靠近是在木柵那老房子裡，我總在下班後去毛毛房間耍賴，跟她討論要怎麼考英文考試還有申請學校，分享約會心得還有接觸過的電影表演書籍音樂。我那時已經開始做小東西餵她吃，泡茶教她生活可以有很多享受跟樂趣。後來我離開台北一年，返鄉讓父母孝敬，我們幾乎沒有見面一整年，直到她說她要去倫敦，我剛好早到幾天，她要來擠我的單人床，要來跟我相依為命在異鄉。我記得她說她感到很安心當她知道我放棄紐約轉戰倫敦，我也很開心在那一年的碩士學位課程裡，我會有一個好朋友來自過去。

那一年我開始當娘，是沒有帶傳統媽媽抱怨的、反之開心滿足於付出的老娘。我練習各樣料理，我只想用好吃的菜騙阿毛來陪我看HOUSE或是LITTLE BRITIAN。我雖然常常抱怨她要拍好多照，但其實心裡是愉快的，她這麼珍惜我的付出，從準備、烹調到擺盤，挑選搭配的飲料或甜點，早起煮豐盛的brunch還要搭配新鮮果泥，我用我的堅持灌溉毛毛，後來我們一邊吃飯一邊討論世局，切磋學業，互相漏氣跟打氣，關心我們彼此在倫敦孤苦無依的生活。我半威脅半請求，希望毛毛可以回倫敦陪我念博士學位，我知道真正的朋友有多少，我知道可以煮飯給心愛的人吃有多珍貴。

毛毛是一個奇怪的女孩，她有很跳的熱力跟不被侷限的想像，我常常被她的提議或想法打敗，我以為我已經是瘋癲，她卻是另一種痴狂，可愛的癡狂。我從認識毛毛到今天，對她最佩服的是她的堅忍，後來被我調侃作老大性格。毛毛以前在大學可以一個人六點爬起來趕公車為了一個在很遠的展覽，堅持去上每一堂托福課程儘管來回要各一小時，努力踏實的讀書累積經驗，與我的捷徑式smartass橋段完全相反。她的堅忍完全是我這種死皮賴臉老么性格沒有的特質，she has my respect。但後來我強迫她不要作老大，阿信般我不入地獄誰入地獄的精神真的不用天天擺出來讓英國的雨澆到發霉，有時候也該要說不，狠狠甩人巴掌。

我喜歡賴著毛毛，她跟我在一起的時候像是一座湖(當然是綠色的)，對我來說，我可以在那裏找到平靜，我可以在那理一葉孤舟緩慢滑行，有時候也可以撲通一聲光溜溜跳下水，她會撐住我的肥腰，讓我仰著凝視天空。我給她我的顏色，她會先慢慢觀查吸收，再慢慢對我注入她的顏色。我記得我曾經對她說過，我只想著自己要吃好穿好玩得開心，她卻一直在關注人文環保社會問題，我常常跟她調侃，出去抗議沒關係，坦克車開出來的時候要快回家，我煮飯等你回來吃。既然老娘沒有那個種跟心力去遊行，我總可以養個小烈士去慷慨激昂地喊聲。如果說我是享樂主義派的浪女，她就是披荊斬棘輩的苦行僧。

說到毛毛的性格，他最大的缺點同時是最大優點是固執，因為固執她完成很多人做不到的事情(苦行僧!)，因為固執她也常常吃虧受苦不吭聲，固執到有時候還會跟自己生氣，可愛至極。她跟我一樣有藝術家多愁善感瘋癲無常的感性，不同於我的趕愛敢恨，卻多一分細膩的體貼與關心。我很容易拒人於門外，她卻常常透過門縫告訴我，不能動不動就關門放狗。(雖然我不見得會聽，這也證明我有某一方面的偏執。)我天生就狡詐多謀，我承認我的心魔跟母性一樣強大，可以做壞也可以做好，要做絕也不是問題。毛毛最得我心的一點是她善良，她常常裝壞，但是她的本質是那麼純真的善良，就算有時不免自私，她會以爽朗的態度承認自私的念頭，我想這是一種美德。那股力量使她擁有人群中最搶眼的笑容。

這幾年來我帶她做了一些壞事，當然也做了很多好事。我設想如果我逼迫她去殺人放火，她就會更知道珍惜生命的可貴(喔親愛的，這是隱喻)，以致於她會更努力從是她的志業，拯救全人類，保護地球生態，飛向宇宙，浩瀚無垠。我只能說服消費者購買我老闆的百分之百有機產品，藉此支持我個人自私的慾望跟夢想，我也想要給毛毛我的支持，所以她可以完成我有心卻常常無力的使命。

第二年在倫敦，我躲開東區年輕人的活力與頹廢，關在西北邊有錢猶太人社區，我想我是故意要避開以前她住的那個地方，因為有太多回憶。光是看著Penelope裡面的街景，我們兩就手舞足蹈大喊，那是我家巷口，那是旁邊的市集，那是...，那是...，那是毛毛跟我去年的記憶了。

Everything that I am not.

I haven't seen most of my good friends for a while, and it is the end of another year, time to get sentimental. We all cry out loud for getting older and older when years pass by. But is it the aging what really makes me sad? Or it's the purity that I am losing as time goes by?

Thanks the web and mobile netwroks, I am still in touch with some good friends of mine. I get to miao-miao my sweet girlfriend over google talk when i wake up in the morning. I work with my boss in Provence and clients in Asia through emails. I send text messages to my family in Taiwan with Skype-out. I get worried when the rockstar forgets to reply me on MySpace. And I never get tired to flirt with my gay husband on facebook. Unfortunately I dont have cyber sex with my ex-lover any more, but it was a time to remember, how technology has brought people "together". Amazing the world is connected.

Some friends from Syria have been talking to me, about the gay party held once a year, about the business man I had met during last visit, and the ancient city I was visiting. All these remind me of the girls who invited me to their house, taught me how to cook authentic Allepo cuisine, and in the end threw me a "private party" with all the windows and doors closed, no male company in present. (How disappointing?) Interestingly, that is one thing that I will never forget in my life. Not that I can't dance proper belly dance with my super tiny ass but the ideas of being a girl in the east, west and the middle east are so different and all fun/painful at the same time.

I grew up fighting against great Chinese value of always putting men at the first place. I liberated myself in Europe in the past few years, trying to find a balance between Eastern values and Western thinkings. However, I was very aggressive when I first got to Syria. I couldn't stand the way how women are treated there. I knew every man was curious about me, a foreign young girl dressed up all fancy and walking around as a sex object with no father's or brother's company. My little tour guide told me how the men talked about me in the market. I said let them do the talk. I refuse to be a victim of sexual repression and I would not give in to the patriarchal culture that has ruled the place for thousands of years. (Yet they did give me shit in the airport by just taking me here and there waiting for my visa to be issued while entertaining all the male officers, of cuz only male, at the Custom.)

But then all my beliefs colided there in the middle, middle between the East and the West. When a 19-year-old female student told me she has to go home before 9pm, I told her to stay at the dinner party since she is not living with her family. I told her when I was 19 and lived alone, I had always gone out of my flat at 9pm. Then I went furhter. I condemned the "engagement" before they officially start dating and the family control over the relationship. I kept pushing the buttons. I invaded their peaceful and religious world with my punk attitude and feminism speech. Until this girl told me firmly but not angrily, her family give her the freedom and she wants to follow the rules, her own rules and beliefs. At the moment, I didn't know if I gave in to her unquestionable faith or the strong social convetions that people have been following for centuries. It was overwhelming. I thought my faith was strong, but hers was stronger. Then I couldn't help but wonder, is opening up to the progressive valus a right thing to do for them? What if they only want to stay where they are now/ were in the past? Or digging deeper, the men have done a great job on controlling their women.

A few days later, I got invited to a house party of cooking and dancing. 3 girls planned this for me becuase my good friend, their porfessor at the uni, would like to learn about Syrian cooking. Of course the parents refused a male guest to their house hanging, watching and cooking. To be honet, I didn't want to go at the beginning but Toms kind of pushed me into it. I got sent there by a car, the younger brother of the girls came and picked me up downstairs. I went into the house, found out it is a golden palast inside (typical Syrian style). They taught me carefully and thoroughly. We cooked 2 kinds of rice wraps that night. One is leaf rice wrap sour stew, another is cabbage rice wrap in tomato soup stew. I told the girls to make extra huge wraps for the professors, and of course when the mother saw the big wraps she blushed for the same reason why I asked the girls to do so.

They dragged me to the lounge, shut all the window blinds and kicked the brother to his room. They played the most popular love songs and started to dance. For the first time I realized why men would try their best to hide their daughters. When they are not wearing veils trying to avoid every look in the public, they finally move their young bodies/souls freely to the music. I saw her long dark hair waving in the golden light, flying around the perfect curve of her waist. Behind her delicate hand gestures, her big eyes shine with a very interesting mixture of characters, young innocence and mysterious female charm from the middle east. I was astonished. That moment she blew me away with her nature as an extremely dangeraous virgin, who has no idea about what kind of power she possess or what she is capable of.

The door bell rang. They dashed into the bedroom and put on the veils. They hid. They asked me in whispers if it was a man at the door. I was left alone in the lounge not knowing what to do. It felt like there was a SWAT team came into a brothel and I was the only stupid customer who had no idea where to run. Other amazing facts: one of the girls knelt down and started to pray during the party cuz its time. one of the girl actually doesnt wear veil at all. the mother did put on the full black robe(face-covered) when she was leaving the house. The beautiful dancer wouldn't let me take photos of her because she can't let any men see her face and dance. I did promise her the images will only stay between me and her but soemone stole them from me by pulling a trick on MAC.

I went home practicing my ugly belly dance to Toms on the same night. My dance was a joke and I have had a totally different perspective on them/ the people/ the culture after this private party. One year later, now I think about the girls. I miss them a lot even sometimes we can't communicate because of the language issue or difference of cultural backgrounds and education. But they remind me one thing, they are everything that i am not.

run ran run 亂亂亂

過去這一個月好多事情想寫，剛好我一直在旅行，移動的時間凝結住我世界的轉運，所以在車上，在飛機上，胡思亂想。

回去了一趟亞洲。先是在香港化妝品展工作六天，我的瘋狂法國老闆就把我丟在攤位上胡亂跟客人打屁，結果反而在展期結束時，周圍攤位的老闆都跑去跟她講說那個很有活力的台灣女生好賽利的，我臉紅是因為香檳喝完了再喝威士忌，不是因為大家中肯的讚美，本來就該有賞有罰，我可是賣命的吹了三天喇叭。收穫：接到不少感興趣的客戶、當面咒罵之前的王八蛋老闆、我的瘋癲女王還替我電了猶太胖老闆，所以現在更得法國老闆的疼、工作份量卻也更重。我戲稱我是她的小奴隸，而到處喊：The queen, the queen. Make ways! Make ways. 法國人一時不懂英式幽默，一但給她搞懂，她當太后當的可得意了。大公主都說，She is bad with you.我充其量也只不過是bring the best out of her.

接著兩天高雄兩天台北，見新客戶、罵舊客戶。我的家教老師死性不改，賞罰分明直來直往。不對的，做生意該要拐彎抹角阿諛我詐，最厲害就是睜眼說瞎話、顧左右而言它。我不懂，為什麼壞人這麼多，還有些可以生存的很好。從小父母老師都教我們要說時話要正直誠實，但是怎麼多有錢的商人都在說謊，難道生意不能單純嗎？不能。即使能，也要有戰略。還好我是一隻奸巧的浣熊。You wanna play? Let's play!

最後一晚太后喊著要去逛夜市，我們倆在通化夜市花了四千台幣，非常有趣。隔天一早，我的私人司機送她去機場，我忙著打裡最後幾件事，送她上飛機。我們總是在台灣的機場說再見，我們都知道我們會再見面，並也會一直用電郵聯絡，但我們就是不捨一老一少脫光光喝紅酒大談男人性經，一搭一唱呼攏觀眾的樂趣。各自一轉身，她不捨我對她情深義重的照顧，我不捨她老身一人四處飛的寂寞，雖然她永遠跑在我前頭讓我追(super hyper)，但是我們都還是會偷偷擦去眼角的淚水。世界很大，我們都到處飛太遠，兩個人錯綜的旅行路線，在一年多前有了交集之後，誰知道會延展出這麼多這麼深的故事跟經驗？忘年啊，忘了三十年差別之交。我用我的老成跟她的童心乾杯。

後來在台灣的一周，還是脫不了工作。雖然我在台北被胖強暴、睡了瓜、咆嘯了Andy、見了阿姨們、最後還碰了小巫婆。我永遠在趕下一攤，見下一個朋友，追下一個夢。我其實很抱歉，我已經很久沒有跟朋友們好好花一段有質的時間在一起，每次都是空降到人家規律又安靜的生活，放了一個炸彈就跑走，我想像這是討厭的，帶點忌妒又無奈，因為抓不著像風，不要卻又好像可惜，下一次再見到我也說不準是哪時候。

我跟媽媽沒有吵架。她的更年期問題似乎還是很嚴重，但大家好像學會了怎麼去和平共處，父親與哥哥很厲害，我大概再多待一週就會像上次一樣被趕出家門。我大逆不道，所以君君說：孝跟順，是兩個字。我有孝心，卻沒有順從，我生來不知道什麼叫做順從，我當然其實知道，不然社會規則不會玩得這麼好，走在邊緣卻一直沒離開中心，順流卻不盲從，借力才能使出更大的力道。我感覺我長熟了一點，因為借工作的鏡，我看到那個被人說天生是一個女演員的自己，老爹一天到晚要我做明星，我想我的舞台不是演藝圈，我要挖掘的更深玩更大，卻也免不了沾的一身腥。

回到倫敦後，是一個尷尬的局面，學校寄信說再不完成註冊手續，他們就會預設我不要念書、並刪毀所有關於我的紀錄。一下飛機馬上灌了杯咖啡，直奔位在六區的校園，路上心想，我到下個term都沒時間讀書了，下周末還要去德國出差，回來之後就放聖誕節新年，教授也說明年再見，完了。我的重心似乎轉到了事業，一下好多好雜、好忙好亂。我得理一理，再轉回學業去。我不想放棄工作，但也不願放棄博士學位，至少現在是腳踏兩條船的心態，總是可以見風轉舵的嘛。

最心痛的是我失去了MOJO。我的sex drive不知道給哪條狗咬去了，夾在工作堆的縫中，我下半身居然停止運作，我又害怕又難過，要是她不回來怎麼著？台灣的婦科就再也不能成為婦科了，我枉作為我，我的戀人們要心碎了(如果還有戀人在的話)。於是切回女人年紀大這回事，我現在還屬於尷尬期，說小不小說老不老，砲火還不會開到我身上，但我迷失了。為什麼我沒有一個位置可以放一隻可愛的男人在身邊？我以前不明白，現在好像有點明白：我太挑、我龜毛、我亂嫌棄人家、我肚量不夠大、我太難捉摸、我從不專屬於誰，也還沒有人可以真的掌握住我。What a challenge, what a bitch.

She is back.

Several years later, she came back again, to her cave, her secret place for burying/revealing stories. Maybe the big brown eyes behind those pinkish glasses have turned more sophisticated or there are simply more wrinkles on her aging skin (totally sounds like an old lady already).

我或許是長期不能停止默默私語的。我談論很多事，與他人，與自己。今天被問到我怎麼放鬆自己？我答：薰衣草泡澡跟精油按摩。那人說他在練習冥想。我說我常常亂想啊，在自己一個人旅行的時候，因為那是我跟自己講話的時候。長程的飛行總是很低靡且夾帶無奈的煩悶，引擎嗡嗡作響讓我的鼓膜很抽筋，高空的乾燥以及機艙的幽閉恐懼常常讓我陷入一種昏厥的不適，好像快起乩但是又舉不起來，卡在要抓狂生氣跟中風癲癇之間的折磨。這時候就開始跟自己講話。

講什麼？講那些我會在部落格上寫出的議題。討論我的決定與人生方向，抱怨大小雞毛蒜皮事，計畫怎麼復仇卻不會被逮住，感嘆朋友們都亂有成就我卻還卡在飛機上嗡嗡嗡，祈禱將要開始的博士班會比碩士課程有趣，奢望新的倫敦生活會輕鬆宜人一點。不過一切都事與願違，那是為什麼下一趟旅程我又開始跟自己說話的原因。現在我倒迷糊了，是為了跟自己說話而去旅行還是在去旅行途中順便跟自己說話？

所以我要開始跟自己講話了，叨叨不停的絮語，卻沒有戀人在裡面，其實我的戀人們一直是在場的缺席。