Everything that I am not.

I haven't seen most of my good friends for a while, and it is the end of another year, time to get sentimental. We all cry out loud for getting older and older when years pass by. But is it the aging what really makes me sad? Or it's the purity that I am losing as time goes by?

Thanks the web and mobile netwroks, I am still in touch with some good friends of mine. I get to miao-miao my sweet girlfriend over google talk when i wake up in the morning. I work with my boss in Provence and clients in Asia through emails. I send text messages to my family in Taiwan with Skype-out. I get worried when the rockstar forgets to reply me on MySpace. And I never get tired to flirt with my gay husband on facebook. Unfortunately I dont have cyber sex with my ex-lover any more, but it was a time to remember, how technology has brought people "together". Amazing the world is connected.

Some friends from Syria have been talking to me, about the gay party held once a year, about the business man I had met during last visit, and the ancient city I was visiting. All these remind me of the girls who invited me to their house, taught me how to cook authentic Allepo cuisine, and in the end threw me a "private party" with all the windows and doors closed, no male company in present. (How disappointing?) Interestingly, that is one thing that I will never forget in my life. Not that I can't dance proper belly dance with my super tiny ass but the ideas of being a girl in the east, west and the middle east are so different and all fun/painful at the same time.

I grew up fighting against great Chinese value of always putting men at the first place. I liberated myself in Europe in the past few years, trying to find a balance between Eastern values and Western thinkings. However, I was very aggressive when I first got to Syria. I couldn't stand the way how women are treated there. I knew every man was curious about me, a foreign young girl dressed up all fancy and walking around as a sex object with no father's or brother's company. My little tour guide told me how the men talked about me in the market. I said let them do the talk. I refuse to be a victim of sexual repression and I would not give in to the patriarchal culture that has ruled the place for thousands of years. (Yet they did give me shit in the airport by just taking me here and there waiting for my visa to be issued while entertaining all the male officers, of cuz only male, at the Custom.)

But then all my beliefs colided there in the middle, middle between the East and the West. When a 19-year-old female student told me she has to go home before 9pm, I told her to stay at the dinner party since she is not living with her family. I told her when I was 19 and lived alone, I had always gone out of my flat at 9pm. Then I went furhter. I condemned the "engagement" before they officially start dating and the family control over the relationship. I kept pushing the buttons. I invaded their peaceful and religious world with my punk attitude and feminism speech. Until this girl told me firmly but not angrily, her family give her the freedom and she wants to follow the rules, her own rules and beliefs. At the moment, I didn't know if I gave in to her unquestionable faith or the strong social convetions that people have been following for centuries. It was overwhelming. I thought my faith was strong, but hers was stronger. Then I couldn't help but wonder, is opening up to the progressive valus a right thing to do for them? What if they only want to stay where they are now/ were in the past? Or digging deeper, the men have done a great job on controlling their women.

A few days later, I got invited to a house party of cooking and dancing. 3 girls planned this for me becuase my good friend, their porfessor at the uni, would like to learn about Syrian cooking. Of course the parents refused a male guest to their house hanging, watching and cooking. To be honet, I didn't want to go at the beginning but Toms kind of pushed me into it. I got sent there by a car, the younger brother of the girls came and picked me up downstairs. I went into the house, found out it is a golden palast inside (typical Syrian style). They taught me carefully and thoroughly. We cooked 2 kinds of rice wraps that night. One is leaf rice wrap sour stew, another is cabbage rice wrap in tomato soup stew. I told the girls to make extra huge wraps for the professors, and of course when the mother saw the big wraps she blushed for the same reason why I asked the girls to do so.

They dragged me to the lounge, shut all the window blinds and kicked the brother to his room. They played the most popular love songs and started to dance. For the first time I realized why men would try their best to hide their daughters. When they are not wearing veils trying to avoid every look in the public, they finally move their young bodies/souls freely to the music. I saw her long dark hair waving in the golden light, flying around the perfect curve of her waist. Behind her delicate hand gestures, her big eyes shine with a very interesting mixture of characters, young innocence and mysterious female charm from the middle east. I was astonished. That moment she blew me away with her nature as an extremely dangeraous virgin, who has no idea about what kind of power she possess or what she is capable of.

The door bell rang. They dashed into the bedroom and put on the veils. They hid. They asked me in whispers if it was a man at the door. I was left alone in the lounge not knowing what to do. It felt like there was a SWAT team came into a brothel and I was the only stupid customer who had no idea where to run. Other amazing facts: one of the girls knelt down and started to pray during the party cuz its time. one of the girl actually doesnt wear veil at all. the mother did put on the full black robe(face-covered) when she was leaving the house. The beautiful dancer wouldn't let me take photos of her because she can't let any men see her face and dance. I did promise her the images will only stay between me and her but soemone stole them from me by pulling a trick on MAC.

I went home practicing my ugly belly dance to Toms on the same night. My dance was a joke and I have had a totally different perspective on them/ the people/ the culture after this private party. One year later, now I think about the girls. I miss them a lot even sometimes we can't communicate because of the language issue or difference of cultural backgrounds and education. But they remind me one thing, they are everything that i am not.